Bones, Booze and Transvestites
by Zera Rask
Summary: When Spock and Kirk have a disagreement about how the crew should spend their R&R time Kirk convinces Spock to go out with them to prove that clubbing and drinking are more beneficial than they seem. But while they're out Spock learns something about Bones he never imagined.


**I don't own anything- Warnings for swearing and some mild violence **

The revelry that occurred off ship after a successful mission was monstrous. The whole crew slipped off the ship and into whatever establishment that slung alcohol they could find. It didn't matter that reports had to be written, or repairs made, responsibilities were completely neglected and Commander Spock was beginning to find it tiresome. He deduced that the reason the crew felt they could get away with such foolhardy behavior was because their captain was "celebrating" among them. Spock approached Jim after one especially fruitful mission while they were en route to the nearest federation planet where, undoubtedly, the same all out carousal would occur. Jim was sitting behind the desk in his quarters when he told Spock to enter. Jim beamed at him showing off the red cracks on his lips received from a particularly unreasonable Gormash. "Spock! What, did you finish your report already?" The Vulcan nodded swiftly.

"I have logged my report to the ship's computer and am certain you will find it satisfactory, however that is not what I came here to discuss."

Jim rolled his eyes and pulled up another document on his desk tablet. "Of course it's not. What's going on? Did Bones call you a hobgoblin again, because I already told him not to."

"I came here to inquire if you were going to allow the crew to go offshore when we get to Remnar III?" Kirk's brow wrinkled. He still didn't see what his second officer was getting at, but then again, few ever did.

"Yeah, just like always, why?" Spock inhaled slightly, "Oh boy," Jim thought. "here it comes."

"I believe that it is inappropriate to allow the crew to become completely inebriated when there are more important duties to be attended to." Kirk's eyebrows shot up and his mouth dropped a little.

"You're saying that I shouldn't give the crew shore leave. Spock, they've been in space for six months."

"And a tactical mission was just performed successfully." The Vulcan stated as if proving his point. But Jim just nodded and said.

"Yeah you're right and they've earned the right to celebrate." Spock glanced at his shoes and then back to Jim.

"Only three departments have submitted reports." Jim scoffed but the Vulcan continued. "There are repairs that are still underway in engineering and two other decks, seven crewmembers are in sickbay and-"

"Spock I don't understand why your so against them having a little downtime." He interrupted, and then was deftly corrected.

"You misunderstand me Captain. I have no qualms with the crew receiving shore leave. I only suggest that they receive it in shifts and be required to file their reports before leaving the ship." Kirk stood up, exasperated.

"They would hate that Spock come on! Everyone knows the protocols. They don't cause too much trouble." Spock couldn't take that lying down.

"Last time the crew went off the ship in mass exodus after a successful mission 30% of them returned having some form of injury from brawling." The Captain shook his head and smiled.

"No one is ever severely injured." Jim countered.

"But if they were Captain, who would be aboard to treat them. I am aware that Doctor McCoy and the majority of the medical staff leave the ship in these situations." Having pointed this out to him Spock could think of a logical reason for the Captain to disagree with him, but Jim never failed to be surprisingly hardheaded. He snapped his fingers and smacked Spock on the shoulder. The Vulcan twitched at this colloquial contact that served no purpose.

"You can't understand why they need this because you've never been there." Kirk walked around him and gathered the few hard disks that contained the meager amount of reports already filed. Spock turned to face him.

"I assure you Captain that is not the case." Jim just shook his head.

"Nuh uh Spock, you're not getting out of this. You're coming with Bones and me to Remnar III and you'll learn things about this crew you never imagined."

Spock cocked an eyebrow. "If you are speaking about the effects of alcohol on a humanoid body, I am familiar with those symptoms." Jim laughed and called back as he left the room.

"They need this Spock, you'll see."

"The Captain seems thoroughly entrenched in this idea that the entire crew loosing themselves to alcohol and hormones is beneficial."

"Well there's always the possibility that he's right." Spock stared at Uhura, eyebrow raised.

"Am I correct in assuming that you agree with the Captain?" He finally said. Uhura traced the lining of his cuffs; her long fingernails grazed his skin causing tantalizing patterns of pleasure.

"I don't want you assuming anything else. Jim **is **right about one thing; you've never been offshore with the crew Spock."

"I fail to see the importance of that fact." He remarked truthfully and she smiled.

"Is it not true that the Captain and Bones have a rapport with the crew?" Spock nodded. "And you do not?" He nodded again. "They find you unapproachable. They've never seen you in another setting besides work, and this is dangerous work. All of us are risking our lives just by being here."

"All true statements, but what is your conclusion?" She placed an elegant hand on the center of his chest and pressed.

"You may not feel it, but a pressure builds here. It makes people uneasy, causes them to make mistakes and sometimes costs them their lives. The alcohol, the dancing, the fights, all of that relieves the pressure." Spock placed his hand on top of hers.

"Seeing the Captain and the Doctor offshore acknowledges that they feel such a pressure as well, and makes them more approachable should a crewmember reach the breaking point?" She leaned in closer to his lips.

"Got it." And then she kissed him.

The din in this bar was unique just as the last four had been, and Spock couldn't stop himself from analyzing it. The sound coming from speakers hung from the ceiling could barely qualify as music, rather a staccato beat that the mob on the dance floor thrashed themselves about to in time. He recognized a dozen or so crewmembers spread out on the floor and at the bar and surrounding tables. The sound of glasses moving created a cacophonous bell choir that was only worsened by the muddled mass of people talking. Uhura touched his arm and yelled. "Stop thinking too much!" Jim and Bones returned with shots and drinks.

"What's he doing?!" Kirk yelled over the discordant noise,

"Analyzing the sound again!" Jim rolled his eyes and pushed a shot into Spock's hand.

"I should remain un-intoxicated for the safety of our group!" Spock tried to refuse but Jim shot him a look.

"Nope! No! No more of that safety nonsense! You didn't drink anything at the last four either! You're taking this shot!" The rest of the group already had their glasses in hand and waited none too patiently for the stare down between Spock and Jim to end."  
"Very well!" Spock finally conceded. They took the shots at the same time, but cheered when Spock downed his. Bones slammed his glass back down on the table and dragged a sleeve across his mouth.

"Alright I gotta go, this is where I'm supposed to meet Margie!" Jim smacked him on the back.

"Alright see you back on the ship good luck man!" The Doctor grabbed his drink and smiled deviously.

"Luck has nothing to do with it! It's all in the fingers!" He wiggled said phalanges at them and started to walk away. Uhura yelled after him.

"Hey Bones! Don't knock her up!" He didn't turn around but showed off a different finger. Jim and Uhura giggled like children and Spock was surprised by her vulgarity. They were sliding further into inebriation and he was certain that soon Jim wouldn't even remember why he made Spock accompany them in the first place.

"So who's Margie?!" She yelled, leaning over the table as if they would gossip like school girls. Spock was incredibly shocked when the Captain leaned closer to respond.

"I don't know! He met her at some kind of Doctor's convention. She's a nurse, or technician, or something!"

"I hope she's nice!" Jim nodded and took a swig of beer.

"I hope she has a nice ass, Bones could use a good fuck!" Uhura slapped his arm and laughed. She then turned to Spock.

"Dance with me?!" His brow crinkle.

"I am not sure that is dancing!" He said gesturing to the sweaty mob on the dance floor. She leaned against him and laughed breathily.

"You need to loosen up!"

"I am much more comfortable here!"

"I'll dance with you!" Kirk interrupted. Uhura looked surprise but quickly recovered.

"In your inappropriate dreams!" Jim laughed.

"Alright then if you think Spock won't give you permission!" Said Vulcan easily spotted the bait, but in her intoxicated state Uhura did not. She scowled at him fiercely.

"Dance floor! Now!" Jim smirked at Spock as she paraded away. He flipped a credit onto the table.

"Get us another round of shots and I promise not to steal your girl!" Spock picked up the credit and smiled for the first time that night.

"Even if she was my possession you could not take her from me!" Jim smiled in return and hurried after Uhura.

As Spock weaved his way through throngs of people he made note of various familiar faces out of Star Fleet uniforms. Several members of the crew noticed him and even smiled in acknowledgement. Spock smiled back. "Fascinating." He mumbled to himself as he reached the bar.

"We don't serve that here." The Vulcan looked up, startled that anyone had heard him, to the face of an alien bartender. He handed the man the credit.

"I would like three shots please."

"Shots of what?" The alien countered. Spock thought a moment

"Tequila?" The bartender nodded and Spock knew his answer had been adequate.

"Three shots of tequila coming right up."

Spock leaned his back against the bar so he could survey the chaotic room around him. On the dance floor he easily picked out Uhura and Jim dancing gracefully for two people under the influence, but sloppily by Vulcan standards. A quick scan of the bar spotted the Doctor and his date. Bones was sitting with his back to Spock giving him an excellent view of Margie. The first thing Spock noticed about her was that she was a man. She had long blonde hair styled artfully to hide the masculine jawline, but Spock spotted it nonetheless. Bones said something and Margie laughed. She placed a hand on his shoulder and Spock saw how mannish her fingers were despite the manicured nails. The Doctor leaned in closer and started kissing her neck. She tilted her head up to allow better access. This motion also revealed a spot under her chin where the heavily painted makeup had rubbed off to reveal stubble starting to reappear. A slap on the back shocked Spock out of his investigation and he turned around to see Jim and Uhura standing there sweating and breathless. "Where are those shots?!" Jim asked impatiently. Just then the bartender reappeared and handed them their shots. They toasted to a successful mission and then Uhura moved towards Spock. She caressed the side of his face, but he wasn't fooled by the soft gesture, he could see the fire in her eyes.

"As engaging as dancing with Jim was-"

"Hey!" The Captain protested, but Uhura barreled on.

"I noticed you staring at that woman." She looked over his shoulder, pointing with her eyes. "Are you bored, maybe we should dance.

"She is not a woman." Spock interjected before Uhura could get any wilder ideas about recapturing his attention. At this Kirk craned over them to see.

"Hey isn't that Bones' date?" He asked. Uhura dropped her jealous mask to look more closely.

"It is." Spock confirmed. "She is deceiving him. I will inform Dr. McCoy." He got up from the bar and disentangled himself from his girlfriend. But before he could go Jim spoke up.

"Wait a minute wait a minute Spock; you should probably just leave Bones alone. He's a big boy, he can handle a transvestite." But the Vulcan merely cocked an eyebrow at his inebriated captain and responded crisply.

"If this is your concept of a practical joke I do not find it humorous, nor, I think would Dr. McCoy."

Kirk started to argue. "What are you- It's not a joke Spock!" But he was already heading towards the Doctor and his date. Jim called after him. "Seriously Spock don't go over there!"

Spock reached the couple and Bones turned to greet him. "Ah Spock, are they boring you over there or did you just come to say hi?"

"Dr. McCoy-" He began, but was cut off by the drunken Doctor.

"Wait a second I'm being rude, there's a surprise," He chuckled at his joke, "this is Margie my beautiful companion for the evening." Margie batted long fake lashes and giggled.

"You play your card rights and it'll be for more than the evening." Bones laughed and pulled her closer by her waist.

"This is Spock, he's a pointy eared bastard, but damn near smartest bastard I know." Margie smiled and held her hand out daintily Spock shook it gently and she added.

"And he knows a lot of bastards." Bones laughed harder.

"You know I do!"

"Dr. McCoy, I came here to inform you that Margie is a transvestite." The Doctor's smile fell and Margie stared at her hands.

"What did you just say?" Bones asked quietly.

"She is not a woman. He is deceiving you." Spock said slowly to make it clearer for the Doctor's clouded mind. Margie inhaled sharply and looked away from the Doctor and Spock.

"Now wait just a damn minute." Bones started, standing up and getting in Spock's face. "You can't just come over here and insult my date like it's one of your damn Starfleet reports."

"Please believe me when I say I meant no insult. I only wished you to be aware of the situation."

McCoy punctuated each word with a push to Spock's shoulder. "And. What. Exactly. Is. The. Situation. Mr. Spock?" Spock took a deep breath.

"I believe that the Captain has set you up on a date with a transvestite in an attempt at humor in tricking you."

Bones grabbed his shoulders and slung him around with great power. Spock was already off balance and was not expecting the Doctor to become violent, so when the bar hit his lower back and scattered all the nearby glasses he was completely surprised. "You listen here you green blooded hobgoblin Margie **is **a woman!" Even though he was certain his next words would be regrettable, Spock never could let an illogical statement stand.

"I am sorry Doctor, but he is not."

Bones yelled as he punched Spock squarely across the jaw. From further down the bar Uhura and Jim realized that the time to intervene had been 15 seconds ago and they clumsily pushed their way through a thick crowd that had materialized to watch the fight. Spock pushed the Doctor away but Bones gripped his arms tenaciously.

"Take it back!" He screamed. "Take back what you said about her!" Spock quickly realized that the only way to disengage the Doctor was to knock him out. He shifted his hand up to the area where the shoulder meets the neck, but Bones anticipated the move and used his shoulder to push Spock back against the bar. With his other hand Spock clipped Bones on the cheek bone, causing him to step back but not to let go. Spock hit him again in the mouth this time and Bones did let go, but only to deliver a swift punch to Spock's left eye. Bones had his iron grip around Spock's biceps again, but this time the Vulcan followed suit and was able to twist around so Bones was backed against the bar.

By now there were three people tugging on their arms and yelling at them to stop. They lost their footing and their grip at the same time, splitting apart in a violent crash to the floor. From there Spock was able to identify the outside parties that had separated them. Uhura and Jim were sprawled out on the floor to the right of him, unharmed. In front of him Doctor McCoy was backed up against the bar, breathing heavily and bleeding from his lip, but largely uninjured. To his left the third person who had been trying to pull them apart, Margie. She had received a cut over her right eyebrow during the split and it was bleeding copiously. "Margie!" Bones yelled and scrambled to her on all fours. He touched her forehead gingerly and swiped some hair out of the way with his thumb. She tried to touch the cut but he gently pushed her hand back down and soothed her as well as anyone could in such a loud setting.

"It's all right darlin'. Just a little regeneration paste and some synthesized blood vessels. You'll be golden." He helped her up and the others cleared a way to the exit. As they passed him Spock reached out.

"Dr. McCoy, I apologize. It was not my intention to-"

"You logical fool." Bones snapped at him. "I knew she was a man the whole time. Did you want to hear me say it?"

The next week and a half Spock didn't see Dr. McCoy. He never seemed to be on the bridge when Spock was on duty now-a-days, and although Jim claimed he wasn't mad just busy Spock knew to give the Doctor his space. It wasn't until Uhura noticed him wincing as he got out of bed that he decided seeing the Doctor would be beneficial. At the urgings of Uhura Spock went to sickbay to see Dr. McCoy about his back that had been hurting since their fight.

Upon seeing him enter McCoy cracked a wizened smile. "I was wondering when you'd come in." Spock only raised an eyebrow in response as he sat down on a biobed. "I pushed you against that bar pretty good." McCoy explained as he examined Spock with a tricorder. "Bruised one of the ligaments connecting the vertebrae in your lower back." He got an injection gun from a drawer. "Shouldn't take too long to heal." Spock cleared his throat as McCoy gave him a shot of anti-flammatory muscle repairative.

"How is Margie?" He inquired.

"She was a little shook up. But her face healed up fine and we had a good fuck afterwards so not a worst first date." Spock's head tilted to one side.

"One thing I do not understand. If you knew Margie was a man why did you not say so, and bypass the altercation entirely." Bones just grinned.

"Hold on, I want to savor this moment of having to explain something to you." He paused, much to Spock's annoyance, and then continued. "What you don't seem to understand is that Margie may not be a woman biologically, but she's one because she wants to be. I met her at a convention on Alta 7 and she was dressed as a man. Damn handsome one too, but she told me she was a transvestite and asked me if I'd like to go on a date with Margie. See I already knew I liked Martin, but she wanted to know if I'd like Margie."

"Are they two different personas?" Spock questioned as Bones packed up the tricorder.

"Sure, ones a mask and ones who she really is." He answered simply.

Spock nodded. "Then I must apologize for my actions. I embarrassed your date and caused a fight I am sorry." Bones beamed a little too broadly and Spock added. "You are enjoying this?"

"Damn right I am." Spock got up off the bed with no pain, and turned to the Doctor before he left.

"Another question. The Captain already knew about Margie didn't he?" Bones nodded yes in response. "Then why did you not inform me as you did him?" Bones sighed and leaned against another bed.

"That one actually is my fault. I wasn't sure you'd approve of such a relationship. I thought you'd find it illogical."

"And therefore place less value on it?" Spock finished and McCoy nodded. "There are other things besides logic that measure value for me. As you are so fond of pointing out, I am half human. I am also led by feelings of anger, love, and passion." Spock smiled almost cheekily and McCoy scowled.

"What are you grinning at?"

"You seek my approval in your relationships Doctor?" McCoy scoffed and scowled harder.

"What? No! I just don't want to invite your judgment you pointy eared bastard."

"As I recall I am the smartest bastard you know?" Spock reminded him pointedly

"Alright, alright you're not sick anymore so get the hell out of sickbay!"

Spock stopped to see Jim before returning to his quarters. "I came to inform you that you were right." Jim smiled without looking up.

"About what?" He asked innocently and Spock rolled his eyes and sighed.

"I **did** learn things about the crew I never imagined."

"And?" Jim just wouldn't let it go, but Spock had learned to expect no different.

"And the shore leave **is **good for them." Jim beamed at him.

"Good, so you'll be going out with us tonight then?"


End file.
